April 28, 2008...8:08 pm
Nostalgia
I’d forgotten Jell-O.
How could I, one might wonder, with all those catchy commercials and Bill Cosby’s enthusiastic endorsements? Well, I’m not sure…I don’t know when I started turning my nose up at the wiggly-jiggly wonder. I never abandoned the pudding, Heaven forbid! But the gelatin, I could take it or leave it, and I left it.
We’re still going through Granny’s possessions. This week, while unpacking another box rescued from storage, I found Granny’s Jello-O dish. It’s not some kind of “official” Jell-O dish, but the one I remember her always pouring her Jell-0 into. Usually cherry, with mixed fruit. It’s rectangular, thick glass, ribbed all the way around with a similar lid sporting raised leaves. Something I hadn’t thought about in years, but when I saw it the rush of memory came back to me. Along with the warm, fuzzy feelings you might expect.
So, I cleaned it up, and made some Jell-O, lemon-flavored, that I brought home from her pantry at her house across town. With marshmallows instead of fruit. There I was in my kitchen, that used to be Granny’s kitchen, scooping Jell-O out of the dish Granny used to scoop Jell-O from. It was some of the best Jell-O I’ve ever had.
I’m having a lot of moments like these, as is the rest of my family. Something that brings sweet memories to our mind, and how lucky are we we have them to relive. Today, Mom and I brunched at I-HOP, and a group of elderly people, assisted by canes and a bit unsteady in spite of it, passed by on the way to their table.
“I know,” Mom said, “I miss her too.”
I hadn’t realized I had a sad look on my face. But Mom has always been able to read me like a book.
Living in the house Granny and Papa did for so long, the house where Uncle B and Mom grew up, the house where they entertained people from Church and unofficially fostered so many children, I am blessed. We want to give that to Toddler, and any children we might have.
I must get to work to get ready for the Home Study. I can’t bear the thought of my Granny’s house, now ours (we bought it after she remarried several years ago), not measuring up in any way. I don’t like putting myself up for possible rejection, I realized today.
Not an earth-shattering realization, I mean who loves rejection anyway? Putting your whole life up for judgement, everything that is you is out there, waiting for someone else’s stamp of approval.
Do you think that’s why I’ve been such a major avoider of writing lately? I’ve lost sight of the love of story-telling by letting all those rejection letters clutter my head? It’s not even that that they are mere rejection letters, I can’t even get past the standard form rejection letter. How sad that a more detailed rejection letter might make me happy. And so totally unrealistic that agents and editors have that kind of time. But I can’t let this hang-up get in the way of my writing much longer.
I’ve always been such a person in need of approval from others. One of the weaknesses I can’t abide in myself. And I’ve always been comfortable with my successes in life. The feeling I might not succeed with something that has been one of my dreams forever eats at me until I am paralyzed into inaction.
Cue the violins.
This foster/adopt thing, though…I can’t let myself chicken out for fear of rejection. I haven’t even thought about it. This dream is bigger than me, it’s Mr. Man’s dream, too. We want a family, always have. And that takes persistance and dedication, as does anything in life that is worthwhile.
3 Comments
April 30, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I was just thinking about making some jello to go with dinner tonight. I still can if I hurry.
I miss my grandparents, especially when I come across some little thing I have that used to belong to them: the toothpick holder, my grandpa’s hat, little odds and ends that spark memories.
As for kudos when we do things, they ARE important and no one should feel bad for needing them. Even if it’s for something simple like cooking dinner every night. I like to know they appreciated the work I did (even if it was something simple like hotdogs and macaroni with bagged salad), it’s important to hear them say something nice about it.
So, don’t feel bad about wanting someone to acknowledge your work, you deserve it. And please, PLEASE don’t let go of the writing. You do well with it, but there’s a lot going on for you right now, so it’s ok to let it rest for a while. That’s what I have to do now and then. It’s amazing how much easier it is to write when you’re not buried under a ton of emotion/stress.
Take gentle care of yourself. You deserve it!
May 3, 2008 at 4:21 am
The Jell-O dish is such a moving memory. It’s the everyday objects that trigger the strongest feelings of nostalgia, I think. And I agree with Karen, don’t let go of the writing or of your desire to have a family. You can have both.
May 8, 2008 at 10:17 am
We have a family jello mold shaped like a Christmas tree. When I was a kid we used it during the holiday and filled it with green jello, cream cheese balls rolled in walnuts, and candied cherries. No, I am not kidding. Only nostalgia can make you love a dish like that!
Prayers for your home study–I know that can be nerve racking. And your house is adorable–you’ll pass with flying colors.
On the rejection thing, the best way I know how to get past the fear is to start writing. It doesn’t have to be official, or even on your WIP, but if you get out a notepad and sit in a cozy spot and just go…you’ll feel so much better. I know, because I have to “trick” myself into writing all the time!
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